What Am I So Afraid Of?

I’m getting really irritated at myself. Not because I keep bouncing back on the scale, but because I can’t figure out what my subconscious is up to! So frustrating!  And yeah, I’ve tried counselling….it doesn’t work out.  I have a certain type of personality that is talkative and open yet closed.  It’s hard to explain, but the counsellors I have seen, I have paid them to tell me about themselves, lol.  It’s crazy but people just open up to me an unload….and I never get to start work on myself, much less get to the bottom of everything.  So counselling isn’t an option for me, so I’m just going to have to figure it out somehow.

At the moment, I am procrastinating and successfully avoiding Uni work by reading “Motivation for Dummies” by Gillian Burn.  Don’t ya love the irony of procrastinating by reading a book about motivation? LOL. I am awesome like that.  I’m halfway through..it’s an okish book…..more geared towards those who work in the corporate world, but if you did deep there are some gems applicable to personal life. Right now I’m contemplating the part about ‘positive by-products’ of keeping things as they are.  It’s sounds really dumb that I would want to stay this size when I have so much reward coming to me once I get to the size for my apronecotmy and my hips replaced…but there must be something….somewhere, holding me back as I lose a little, lose big, stall, and gain. Wash and repeat over and over and over.  It’s a downward trend, so I’m not on some vicious weight loss treadmill, but it’s still frustrating to be so close to goals and then kick into reverse as if I am running away from it. And I don’t know why.  I get so excited when smaller clothes fit, I can wear cute shoes, I’ve had to move my seat forward in the car…all of this thrills me….so why oh why do I keep going backwards!?!?!?!  ugh!

But…this is part of MY story…..so I’m telling it.  Last week was dire. I got back up to 451.9lbs, this week I am back down to 449.4lbs.  So frustrating. I’ve been close to the 200lbs lost for months now, and I keep doing this fun little dance around it but I can’t seem to get there!!! I’m pulling my hair out here! (Not really, but I did get a really cute hair cut!)  I’m treating myself with kindness and love and am not angry, just a bit….I feel powerless, yet convicted that I have to figure this out!

What am I afraid of?  Turns out…I’m afraid of quite a bit.  The big one is….who will I be if not fat? I know that sounds stupid, but I’ve been super obese since a baby……I’ve just ALWAYS been….being fat IS ME.  So who I be if not fat? I know that sounds soooo stupid, but it would be like someone changing race or something….its quite traumatic.  Even now, I’m still superfat, but less fat that I was before and I can already see people treat me differently.  I really don’t know how to explain it, but I’m scared of being in the real, privileged, non-obese world…I mean….I will be open to advances from men, I will be open to being used by “friends”….Of course fat women have to deal with all of that as well, but not on the global scale that non-fat women do.  It’s hard to explain, but in short, I am afraid of the “real world” and am not sure I will be able to find my place in it.  I struggle enough with identity.  I’m like a person with borderline personalities without the anger and rage…just a lot of confusion about who I really am.

The second fear I have is that my husband will not find me as attractive.  He likes big women, not a freak or a fetish, just a preference and what he finds beautiful or aesthetically pleasing.  I have bored him to tears with conversations of “what-ifs”.  He is such a great guy and is so in love with me that he encourages my weight loss and celebrates every lbs gone with me.  But I can help but fear, what if the smaller me is different than me now and we don’t get along like we do now….I know I’m being terribly pessimistic, but it’s a real concern.  What if I’m a total conceited bitch (worse than now! lol)  Along with all of that, I don’t really believe in divorce. I’m old school. Once you find the one and as long as there is no abuse (verbal, mental or even sexual) then there really isn’t cause for divorce.  I know that is rare, but that’s how I see it, and I made it clear before that I moved to the UK that this was a forever deal, lol, so I don’t really know why I fear this? ugh. I’m so complicated, lol.

And the biggest….I’m afraid people will expect more of me.  I’m one of those people who start great things and when it’s almost finished, I bail…and I’ve always had excuses related to my weight….what if I don’t have that and I just have to suck it up and get on with it?  I mean, when I moved to the UK, I was 1 semester away from having my BA in Social Science….and now, I am starting over with every intent to finish, but that is yet to be seen.  I know I’m not making much sense to most people out there, but this is part of my story, my journey….I am my own worst setback….like split personalities! One wants to be thin, and the other is happy being fat, and they constantly play tug of war with my head!

So what do I do now?  Well….I decided to cut this mammoth journey into small chunks and kinda forget about the huge picture.  I know it’s there. We all know it’s there, but it distracts me.  It’s like climbing a mountain….you don’t hike up it staring at the top…you keep your eyes on the path, occasionally glancing at the top to check your pacing.  That’s what I need to do.  Stop worrying about the end goal and just get to the next marker post.

My husband is going to the States next week, well, he leaves tomorrow.  And in that week, I am going to be as focused as I can be in getting my protein and water in.  I have been majorly sucking with the water lately.  I just need to focus on the small bits…like one day at a time…something I learned in overeaters anonymous several years ago but it never ever sank in as I just wanted to lose weight, I didn’t worry myself with the journey…and that is where I went wrong.  It’s not about weight loss…it’s about treating your body the very best you can, as much as you can, and weight loss will be a byproduct of that.

Anyways, I’ve rambled on long enough now….I should probably get back to my procrastinating, lol. My next weigh in isn’t until May 24 (my 35th bday!!!!!) so I want to make it a memorable one.  I’m trying hard not to put a number target on it and I always screw up when I attach numbers…so I will just say I’m going to treat my body the best I can, and what will be, will be!

Closer to 400 than 500!!!!

Well, today deserves a blog post!

Had weigh in this morning and I am at 445.7.  I can’t believe it.  I have to lose 1.7lbs and I have lost 200lbs.  Its amazing, yet scary!  In 25 more lbs I will be the weight I was when I graduated high school….18 years old….and I’m 35 next month.  So insane!  I’m speechless really, not sure what to say.  I’m stoked!

I’m fitting in UK clothes now, which rocks, but omg, I went on a shopping binge! Credit cards are suffering!!!!  And my feet have shrunk! I used to struggle to wear a UK size 10, now I comfortably wear a size 9, which means I now have cute girly sandals and boots!!!  And the best thing is my bewbs!  Went from a 56 C to a 48 DD/DDD!!!! yay! I have cleavage AND cute shoes haha!

Loving life at the moment! Got my grade for my last GCSE maths exam and I got 69 out of 69! 100%…on ALGEBRA!!! holy moly!

I’m also doing a social science degree, so I am keeping busy.  Trying to get myself edumacated whilst I am losing weight working towards my apronectomy and hip replacements.  Then, once I am physically able, I will also have a degree to help me get a respectable job!  Will never work in a call centre again, EVER! My last job ruined me!  What I would LOVE to do is be a motivational speaker or life couch or something, that would be AMAZING!

Still eating gluten free/paleo 80/20.  Still psoriasis free except for one elbow and my scalp, which is awesome since I had extreme coverage!!!! yay, hello vest tops/tank tops!!!

I should get off here and do some homework, lol, but I wanted to do a weight update since it has been a while.  445.7 baby! Closer to 400lbs now than I am to 500, feels AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! Almost lost 200lbs and I am almost under 200kg….two goals about to be met! And Im going to celebrate with a new tattoo!!!!

Random Post, Not Weight Related….

I’ve been having a lot of memories/flashbacks lately.  Parts of my life I had completely forgotten.  They aren’t dark child abuse memories or anything just odd bits.  I think the weird weather here in England this spring has me a bit manic and my mind races when I get like this.  I’ve been unmedicated for over a year except for the anti-d’s I went on for 3 months in Nov. so I just have to rely on my sense and my support system to keep me grounded.  The hubz is great at this. He forces me to go to bed, even if I don’t sleep, he does his best to keep me on a schedule as nothing can trigger me faster than screw up sleep.  This was all well and good until he got really ill sunday night.  he got a really bad 48 hour stomach bug…I’ve never seen him so sick.  So I stayed up with Harley so I could let him out when needed and let the hubz sleep and use the loo as needed.  Keep in mind I need a cpap to sleep so this meant I didn’t sleep much other than doseing on the sofa whilst sitting up.  I ended up going to bed at 8am and sleeping til 4, then took a nap 6-9.  Bad bad bad.  I then stayed awake for 36hr afterwards.  Silly girl.

Told you this would be random…even a bit rambling!

Now, onto my memories.  I was awkward as a child, extremely awkward.  I didn’t see the world like everyone else, and I still don’t.  Something that puzzles me is my freshman year of high school (14-15yrs old) I was put into a class called REACH.  I remember the other kids in the class were delinquents, drug users, and clinically insane kids.  Now keep in mind, I was a shy fat mormon kid. WTF was I doing there?!?!?!  I’ve asked my mother but she never answered.  I remember a chart of like 100 smilie faces with emotions on them and every day we had to chose 5 that we felt. What. the. Fuck?  the one thing that class did was interest me in drugs.  Not to the point of doing them, but to act like I was on them to fit in with the class.  I was told i looked like i was on qualudes.  I still to this day do not know what the hell that even is, but hey, they thought I was hardcore.  I haven’t thought about that class for decades.

I think the thing that triggered all of this was that it was recently autism day…and I have some autistic characteristics…took the test and I score 36, which is high.  But Im so old now a diagnosis doesn’t matter and would not change a thing, but it really got me thinking.

I always got good grades in school yet I was always in special classes.  Starting in kindergarden and 1st grade i was put in a physical class because I was clumsy and behind with motors skills.  The 2 things I remember about that class is 1) I got yelled and in trouble for not being able to tie my shoes…..I got “sick” as was absent from school for at least a week.  2) I hurt my back a couple of times on the slide because I didn’t “get” that you were supposed to put your feet out when you get to the end, so I just slide down and fell off at the bottom.  Thinking about this makes me feel really retarded.

Then starting in 2nd grade I was put in “english house” and “math house” where i was separated from the class for an hour each day for special lessons.  I really don’t know why, I was an avid reader as a child, was i stupid and didn’t know it?!  When I was younger, I really struggled to understand directions, I was not badly behaved, I just did not understand.  In 2nd grade, the teacher assigned us some words to look up in a dictionary and write out definitions and I just sat there.  I did not understand what to do, so I got in trouble for not doing what I was told.

I got into trouble a lot at school.  In 3rd grade I remember getting my name put on the board (which was horrible back in my day!) all because a girl was talking to me….making fun of me in fact, and yet I got into trouble.  Why and how do I remember this shit?!  I dunno.

There was something very different about me all during childhood and it wasn’t just that I was fat.  I started talking in adult type sentences by the time I was 3.  I was also the tallest child in my class until 7th grade.  I am the same height now as I was when I was 11, before puberty.  I did look into aspergers and in fact the found childhood obesity and super tallness to be a trend. So I dunno.

I’m not looking for sympathy or understanding, I’m trying to understand ME and my life.  I’ve just always felt so outside of things.  I’ve never really had “best-friends” other than my sisters.  I didn’t and still don’t bond with people like everyone else.  I have friends I socialise with, but I don’t feel the connection like I know I should.  I think it is worse because I KNOW I am different.

And then there are the personality “glitches”.  I cannot stand change.  It really gets ugly.  If I have an appointment and it is changed at the last minute I freak the fuck out and my whole day is wrong.  I can’t go anywhere new without someone with me.  I also cannot use public transportation…this has always been an issue.  It confuses me just to think about it.  I would rather risk life and limb to hitch-hike than get on a bus or train where I would end up lost in an unfamiliar place.

One other thing that strikes me is I rock.  Not in the I am awesome way, but in the I will rock back and forth in any situation without knowing it.  People have asked me in work ” why are you rocking” then my face goes red of embarrassment as I didn’t realise I was doing it.  This could also be a family trait.  My sister rocks as does an aunt of mine.  I remember one time I was sitting on a sofa with my brother and sister, and my brother who was sat between us started shouting at us to stop as he was getting sea sick from our rocking, lol.

I’ve always loved movement.  I was a weird child.  I used to lock myself in the closet, cross my legs and rotate my torso until I got dizzy and saw stars.  On sunny days I used to stick out my arms and spin. I just loved it.  I spent a lot of time on my own as a kid and these things were my entertainment.

So yeah. I’m a weirdo.  Just had to get all of that out of my system.  I have learned to cope well enough and present as a well adjusted adult, but it took me a long long time to get here.  I still have idiosyncrasies that are quite autistic, but hey ho. Everyone is different and I embrace my weirdness.  I’m also dyslexic….thank goodness for spell check lol or this would not be readable!

Lots to Update!

Where to start?  Let’s start with weight.  My last update I was back up to 462lbs, then I got weighed at my surgeons office on Feb 8th and was up to 466.4lbs.  If there is one thing I have learned about weight loss journy THIS time, is to never lose sight of the prize.  EVEN if it is all going tits up and you can’t seem to stop it.  I have learned that if I keep my eye on the prize, my mental sabotage will subside eventually and I will make it some day.  This is an important lesson.  A lot of people see a 1lb gain and quit.  I gained like 15lbs, but I knew in my heart of hearts I would get it back together.  This weight loss shit is a lot more mental than physical…people don’t realise that!  Now, to report todays weight…its good.  It’s REAL GOOD!  I’m down to 451lbs.  My lowest yet!  I knew it would happen and I kept the faith!

Now back to my surgeons appointment on Feb 8th.  I saw my actual surgeon…the rock star in the FLESH!  It was amazing to get feedback that i have done amazingly well for my circumstances (which are: obesity since infancy, being female, having pcos, starting at 644lbs and only having a sleeve gastrectomy).  Even though I was 466 that day and I knew in my heart of hearts is way going a bit pear shaped for me, it was great to hear the man himself say I had done better than he expected   So yay!  I don’t feel like I have done that well, but then again I am a perfectionist that seeks approval from those in positions of authority.  A personality flaw of mine!

We discussed surgical options. (RNY vs DS)  he bluntly told me that in my position (still very heavy) and RNY after a sleeve would not help me lose more than 10kg ( 22lbs….which is not worth the risk!) And said although the DS [duodenal switch….google is your friend!) is risky, it is the best bet.  I am in a good position for the DS as I can easily eat 100+ grams of protein a day which is essential to avoid nutritional issues.  Surgery is surgery and they are both scary….so i might as well face the scary that has the potential to change my life completely.  He reckons I will be done within the year…so here is hoping!

For those of you new to my blog…it isn’t fatness I am trying to change (well it IS, but not because of fatness!)  Both of my hips and both of my knees are gone….not in the complaining over exaggerating way, in the real, I-have-the-xrays-to-show kind of way.  I have ZERO cartilage in my hips the bones rubs together with every movement and create inflammation.  My knees aren’t any better.  I am 34 and have been told I can get my hips replaced as soon as I hit a BMI of 40….so thats my goal.  I don’t care about thinness or even the hoards of clothes…I care about not being in pain every second of every day.  THIS is the reason I am taking the risk of more surgery.  If I did not have chronic pain, I probably wouldn’t bother and would keep going on my own, but I cannot wait 10 years to do something about these goddamn hips!

So anyways….I’ve been a busy bunny!  Yesterday had an appointment with my GP, who is expecting!!!!  I’m going to miss her, but she will be back.  I took her a list of labs/scans I will need post op as well as all the vits I will need on prescription that way if I have my op while she is off, anyone can look at the notes and see what support I need.  Today I had the weight loss nurse. Tomorrow, hubz is picking up a car (I do not share well, lol, and was tired of him moving stuff around in my car!!!) Sunday is rest day. Monday I am going out with friends to Longleat (a safari park).  Going to be fun!  Taking the wheelchair (and lots of codeine!) as I’m not really sure what there is to do there, but I’m going to have an awesome time, I just know it!  Tuesday I have an online friend from the UK Charity HOOP (Helping Overcome Obesity Problems) coming over for coffee and a natter.  Wednesday I have GCSE maths review for the test the first week of march…and then I have to do a TMA for one of my OU courses by the 15th of March and another by the 25th.  Ok now that I have written it all out I feel kinda stressed lmao.  yikes!

My life is pretty busy at the moment, but I am coping. The sun was out Monday-Wednesday and I got some gardening done.  It really does take a strong sense of humour to be me.  Monday I went to B&Q and picked up some seeds and some flowers.  I didn’t even browse the store..and it killed me, I was done for the day.  Tuesday I sat outside and planted things in pots and planted roughly 5 flowers in the ground. Super killed me.  Wednesday was much easier….sat outside and put dirt in my little propagators and fiddled with tiny ass strawberry seeds.  All these things I could have got my hubz to do in less than 30 minutes, but there is a stubborn streak in me that wants to push myself to do as much as I can for myself….even though I end up in tears due to pain, I can still say *I* did that.  I don’t think you can understand unless you have had limited mobility, but there is pride to be had in doing the smallest of things for yourself.

So yeah, England had 3 days of sun, I hope that isn’t all we get for spring!  I miss sunshine!  I hope you all are doing well!

PS- don’t know if i mentioned but psoriasis is 99% gone.  I only have it on my scalp and one small bump on elbow.  Being gluten free has cleared me, my whole trunk and arms were covered!

Total Suckage

Welp, it’s been a while.  I’ve been struggling mentally and physically.  England had a cold snap and some snow and omg, my hips were killing me!  I cried more than once due to the pain.  When my head is elsewhere, trying to deal with chronic pain, my diet seems to suffer.  I concentrate on making it through the day alive, rather than making healthy choices. Thus, I have to report, I have gained weight.  I am back up to 462.  Damn.

If there is one thing I have learned through this journey, is that if you don’t give up during the tough times, the motivation will return and weight loss will continue.  It’s February today.  It’s a month of happiness and sadness.  My 6 year wedding anniversary is coming up, happy times. But it is also 6 years since I was hospitalised with an ectopic pregnancy, 12 weeks along.  It’s tough.  I will get through it, as I have for the past 5 years, but the experience was a little traumatic.  I was in a country where I only knew one person, my husband, and I was being told there was a good chance I wasn’t going to live through it.  Needless to say, the thought of having a baby of my own does not rate highly on my to-do list.

I see my surgical team next Friday. Hopefully, finger-crossed and all that, I will get an idea of when I can have my next op as I have been on the waiting list since Aug 2011 :/  I’m leaning towards the DS again….only because it can be easily un-done if things were to go wrong, heaven forbid.  I guess I just have to see what the surgeon says.  All I know is I need more help shifting a large amount of weight.  The good news is, last time I was them I was 217kg and this time I will be at least 209kg if not lighter.  So, lighter is always good.

I wish I had some great motivating news, but I don’t.  I’m struggling physically and ever day is spent in a lot of pain.  I will keep on, keeping on….still logging my food, but that’s about as far as it goes right now.

 

oh and P.S. my psoriasis is now all gone.  Has been for a couple of months.  Going gluten free cleared it all within 3 months

 

 

Facebook Page

Ok, I bit the bullet and created a FB page for this blog.  I am a terrible blog follower but I do tend to read the blogs that remind me they exist by posting links on Facebook…so here ya go! Like my ass….or at least my page

https://www.facebook.com/Aquafitqueen

 

A Weird Type of Sadness…

First off, Happy New Year to you all Hope you had fantastic holidays!

Now, to the topic at hand.  Sadness.  Have you ever felt sad about losing weight or fitting into a smaller size?  I ask this, because right now I am so freaking sad.  Excited and proud, but sad.  On Christmas I got a coupon/voucher for 40% off my entire order at OneStopPlus and now that they delivery to the UK, I am a regular shopper there.   As I was trolling the pages, engaging my inner shop-a-holic, I came across a cute white denim jacket.  Non stretchy and WOMENS!!!  I usually get mens clothes because they are bigger and shapeless. Anyways, I put it in my cart as a goal item of clothing.  I got the biggest size (38w) which has been wayyyy too small for me in the past. And even though I keep losing weight, I still buy the biggest size I can find.

Well…my clothes finally arrived today. I opened up the jacket, which is cute as hell btw.  I put it on to gauge how much more I would need to lose to get into it.  The shoulders felt nice, then I closed the front.  The buttons and button holes overlap.  It fucking fits.  Holy shit.

Most people would have been happy beyond belief.  I however, was struck by a huge HUGE sadness. WTH?  Who feels sad about wearing smaller clothes? This girl.  I don’t know why. And no, it didn’t trigger a binge…so a major WIN there, but I am sat here feeling very melancholy trying to work out why in the hell I am not jumping for joy.  The mind boggles.  I wonder why no one talks about this side of the weight loss journey….or maybe I am the only one in the world to feel sad about it? I think I need counselling, lol.

But here is what I think.  I think the sadness is a mask for fear.  I am afraid to change.  I am afraid to be different than I have ALWAYS been.  Dramatic weight loss changes you.  Some people say it doesn’t or that you are the same person, but I do not believe that.  A caterpillar does not become a butterfly (or moth) and then go around pretending to be the same ole caterpillar now does it?  So far, I haven’t changed dramatically, but there are small changes and those changes add up to make you someone slightly different that you were before.  For me, I am more assertive.  I saw what I think, damn the consequences, lol.  I am also a bit more selfish, in that I go to the gym, I go to college and I do not give a second thought to leaving my husband home alone.  Sod it.  He has a life, why shan’t I?

Speaking of the gym.  Holy crap. I did well from Jan 2 – Jan 7, then I got struck my serious insomnia. I didn’t sleep the night of Jan 7 and Jan 8 I got 2 hours of sleep.  The night of Jan 6 I only slept 4 hours…..so thats like 6 hours sleep in 3 days.  I could barely function!  I think I am sorted now as I was so exhausted last night from lack of sleep that I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.  My hips are hurting hella bad today though, I assume this is from the lack of sleep previous nights. Funny how all of our bodies problems are inter-related.  In short. I am being a big fat bum today!

Monday I have induction at the gym and for the first time in my life I went on the elliptical/cross trainer.  Holy freaking cow.  I only lasted 1.5 minutes but my ass muscles and lungs were on FIRE!  I had always wanted to use the machines but have always been to heavy, but the gym dude assured me I am fine now and free to use whatever I want.  I am also lifting weights as I aspire to be really really strong. I don’t care about thin, I care about mobility, health and fitness….and being able to totally kick ass

I am still seeing the weight loss nurse.  My weight is fluctuating right now, which is no surprise seeing as I am struggling with the weight loss emotionally.  I was back up to 458 then came back down to 455, I bet this week I am up again.  I have been eating like crapola.  Self sabotage at it’s finest. I have it down to an art form!  However, with that being said, I would rather go up and down 10lbs for a couple of months, fighting emotional demons than ignore them, hurry to goal and then regain everything.  That would send me over the edge.  So instead, I lose a lot slower than everyone else but am trying to deal with the emotions WHILST losing weight, not after the fact.

We have all seen it….Oprah is a good example, she keeps focusing on the number on the scale and her feelings that she feels made her fat, but she does not deal with the emotions of losing each 5lbs or going down in clothing sizes, she only exhibits pride and happiness…but there is more to it than that!  And then there is David Elmore Smith.  Poor fucking guy, seriously.  He did a documentary with the now famous trainer which shall not be named.  But David started at like 640 ish…just under my start weight.  He did vigorous training and dieting, all the whilst being excited and celebrating all the mile stones….but he did not deal with his shit. And we ALL have shit. Loads and loads of shit.  He is a great guy btw, I kinda stalk him online, lol, he is on my twitter and fb and youtube   If ya gunna stalk people ya gotta do it properly   I do NOT feel sorry for him. Pity helps no one.  I do FEEL for him though and everyone was pushing him and cheering him on, not giving a damn about what was going on in his head.  Fuck those people.  He has gained most of the weight back and is now working his way back down.  I hope he figures it all out because I haven’t.  I just know that it takes me a few months of bouncing around 10lbs to finally let it go forever.  I have adapted the “slow but steady wins the race” motto.  And so far it is treating me well.

That’s me, up and out!

Here’s